I'm damaged at my very best.

Today I feel like being completely honest. And for once, I'm not apologizing for it. 

Today I want to be someone else. Lately, my heart hurts. For friends, for the world, for the church, for myself. I feel like I'm falling apart inside.

And I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being myself. I'm tired of the same day over and over. I'm tired of people asking me my major. I'm tired of feeling incompetent when I answer. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm tired of being busy. I'm tired of being tired.  I'm tired of worrying about other people but not myself. I'm tired of not being able to be real.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong. And most days I feel like I'm barely holding on.

Truth be told, I'm in school because that's what people do. Not because that's necessarily what I want. And I'm this close I can't stop now. But I would be happy as a nanny or a maid or a housewife or even a typist. And just because I 'could be so much more' doesn't mean that's what I want for myself. I'm tired of feeling like the black sheep for that. And as of late, I've wanted to just give up. I'm trying to find that spark inside of me that wants this life. The spark that makes me get up every morning and keep trudging through the same routine of class. The spark that perseveres even though I just feel like I'm always in waiting, always on the sideline, and always not where I want to be. The spark that makes me feel like I can see the end in sight. 

I want to be brave and courageous and strong. I want to stand up for myself and for what I think without worrying about someone else's opinion. I want to be confident in my questioning of life and religion and beliefs and myself. I want to be unsure without being sure that someone will judge me for it.

I want to grow closer to God but feel like I'll be marked for questioning things I've been taught. And quite honestly, I'm tired of people telling me what my personal faith consists of. If it's not a doctrinal issue, if it doesn't go against what God and Jesus have taught, then why do I get marked if I think a different way? I appreciate various views and perspectives but there are some things we just don't have to agree upon. And I'm okay with that, but it doesn't seem like others are. And I used to be that 'other.' But it's been a long time since I felt that way and yet I don't think many people know it yet. And that's due to the fact that I'm too scared to tell people what I really think. Why? Because of their reactions. Their need to tell me I'm wrong or they're right or I'm on the path to hell. I appreciate concern for my soul. I'm not being facetious about that. I'd rather someone approach me out of concern and ask why I believe something, than gossip about me behind my back. However, I'm not new to Christianity. I've been in it my whole life. Even worked as a church secretary for a couple of years. I would like to think I can figure a few things out on my own. If I'm questioning something or trying to understand why I believe what I believe, I don't think I should be condemned for it. I can read the Bible thank you very much, and I don't need another 'man's' interpretation to help me figure it out. I would like to think that God made it so that we could read His word and draw our own conclusions about what it says without a Master's degree in Greek or Bible to interpret it. But, most of the time my spirituality is completely negated due to the simple fact that I might have a question about one thing. All my credibility tends to go out the window and instead of listening to what I have to say, most people make up their minds that I've gone 'liberal.' And I accept whatever label they want to give me.

Therefore, I've learned to edit myself. Hard to believe, considering what I tell most people, which is normally too much. However, I edit what I know will cause someone's opinion to change of me. I edit any growth or change I've made in case that means I will be judged. I'm scared of not having the exact right answer when faced with a new question. I'm scared of condemning 'love' because it's presented without any grace. I'm scared of not being good enough in the eyes of another. I'm just glad Jesus takes me as I am.

And I'm simply tired of it all. 

Today, I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of doing it by myself. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to sit beside at church. I want someone who looks out for me. I want someone who challenges me. I want someone I can call at 11 pm. And I want all the challenges and struggles and inconveniences that come with it. I want the hard times with the good. I want to love someone unconditionally and feel the same in return. Sometimes I just want to know there's one person out there who wonders what I'm doing and where I am.  I want someone to hold me on days like today and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Someone who sticks with me when life gets messy. Someone who wants to be with me every night of the week, regardless of whether it's shopping at Hallmark or going together to a Bible study or having a petty argument about what to eat for dinner. Someone who puts up with me when I'm not my finest.

And I'm tired of apologizing for that desire. I'm tired of reassuring people that I'm okay alone. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. But I'm tired of acting like the desire that God gave all of us somehow passed over me and that I'm always content with that, because it didn't and I'm not. I will live the life that God has planned for me but I'm not going to pretend like I never question why it's not different.

So there you have it.

I'm lonely.

I'm tired of editing myself.

And I'm not perfect so get over it.

And that's simply how I really feel.

Sun Red Sky Blue

Tonight is just one of those nights. 

It's 1:35 a.m. and I don't foresee sleep being anywhere in my near future. My mind is racing and I feel like solving all of life's problems and could really go for a cup of coffee and a friend conversation right about now. 

The reality is that I'm sitting on one of my two sectional sofas (yes, I have no idea how I got so lucky!) and looking at the white Christmas lights on my ficus tree. My Autumn candle is burning, my blinds are open so I can see the lights of Knoxville from my deck and I'm listening to my Labor Day mix on my laptop. And life is good.

So since I've been slackin' the past month in the blogging department, I thought I'd catch you up with some pictures.

In case you haven't kept up, The Garners are pregnant with my first nephew. 

Kirby Thomas Garner should be here January 11, 2011.

And I'm one excited Auntie. If you know my sister very well, you know it took a lot for her to allow me to take these pictures. She, too was thrilled with me trying to touch her belly, in case you couldn't tell (hence her pushing my hand away in the second picture). And that's me...finally reaching a compromise and being allowed to point to Baby Garner, in case you missed him.

Meet my friend Sam Smith! He's awesome. We were lab partners this past summer in Bio 102...and because I'm so nice and engaging...we became good friends. 

 

This could also be in part because I relied on his smartness to help me fill out my lab manual every week. Little does he know I like to be friends with smart people, just for the sake of boosting my own self esteem. These pictures were taken at Starbucks the Thursday before Jack Johnson. We sat and watched planes take off and exchanged life altering conversations. Cousin Hannah even showed up to participate...and of course now they're instant BFFs as well. He's now in Russia for the semester so pray that he has an awesome time! You can read his blog HERE. He's a nice one...he even helped me uncover my lost Jack Johnson ticket at midnight. Bless his little heart...

Then there was Jack...

This is Bridget and me while we sat stuck in traffic in Hotlanta on the way to see Jack in the rain. Bridget's face says it all. It wasn't so much fun at the time, but it makes for a good photo op and an anecdote later. 

Plus side of sitting in traffic...I saw a firetruck. Yes, 10 years later and I still get excited about it. I think I even tapped on the window thinking that might get their attention. I'm 89% positive it didn't work. When we finally got to the concert we found a place towards the back of the venue and just absorbed everything Jack had to offer. Well all 7 of us, plus about 60,000 of our closest friends.

Let's take a moment and appreciate how long my hair has gotten. 

I've been sportin' the side pony lately and find that it helps out on the whole 'getting my hair caught in my school bag/purse strap' ordeal. 

I thought about getting it all cut off this month, but I think I've convinced myself to give it another year before that happens. I'd like to at least grow it out long enough to give it to 'Locks of Love.' We'll just have to see how patient I remain...

I never thought I'd be able to rock long hair again, yet here I am.

Lesson learned: you can do anything if you just put your mind to it...and learn how to deep condition.

 Then there was Matis and the Dub Trio...

I know I wrote in the previous blog entry post about how life-changing this was. I couldn't get enough of it.

And then there was Labor Day weekend...

Which started off like this.

A stand still on Kingston Pike both ways. 

Game Day Friday and rush hour traffic make for a long wait.

I felt like I was in the Hamptons for the last official weekend of the summer.

But the payoff was that I got to eat Magpie's cupcakes and see this:

Chadwick.

In a kid's Lowe's apron.

With a walkie talkie and an intense stare.

He was owning it!

That Saturday turned out to be GORGEOUS, and I was fortunate enough to spend it in the mountains with my dear cousins and friend. We even braved the Cades Cove loop while listening to the game on the Vol Network. It was the perfect start of Fall. 

Disclaimer: Not my arm.

The next day, Sunday, was again gorgeous with clear blue skies. I came home after church and decided to take a trip down memory lane and read all my old journals. It was rather refreshing and inspiring and it made me long for days of old friends. Sunday was mine and J. Phil's 4 year anniversary of being friends. She was home in Dunlap for the weekend so at 5 pm Sunday night I hopped in the Honda and headed her way for an impromptu road trip for the night. It was the perfect day for a drive down country roads. No traffic, sunroof open and good tunes. Perfect. I even took the pink quilt for us to sit under and talk about life and dreams and the past.

excitement perhaps?

And now I'm back in Knox and here I sit, 2:09 a.m.

Knowing that my alarm will go off at 5:45 a.m. is not a good feeling. 

Knowing that I have a non-stop day of business today

means no room for a nap. 

It's ok though. I'd rather have a life than sleep.