Kindness

Cousin Hannah was sweet...read it HERE.

Knoxville is Home.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even recognize myself as of late.

This long wavy hair, tan skin, trendy print shirts and flirty sweaters...
it must belong to someone else.

This lifestyle of laying by the pool at 11 am with a friend, sitting on patios at downtown restaurants into the late night, driving around country roads on Thursday nights with my feet hanging out of the passenger window...surely this isn't Stephanie at age 27.

But it's me. This is who I've become. This is my life.

And my life is good.

My feelings are good.

My friends are good.

Dare I say it?

Dare I share that I feel like it's 2006? (btw in Stephanie terms...that's really good)

I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am a life-lover yet again.

Yes, I know some of my recent blogs might make it appear otherwise...but it's all a part of my life now. I have great days and some bad moments. Laughter and tears.

But ohmystars, I think I'm happy.

I sometimes yearn so much for times of old, and just recently I realize I'm yearning for more of times like now. I have made friends in Knoxville who know me, the real me. I have people who care about me. I have people who make me laugh loud. I have 'wow' moments that make me realize all the good things I have going on in my life now.

Wednesday night was spent laughing with Lacey and Chad while relaxing downtown in the spring air. I felt at home where I was. I felt like Knoxville was ours, and not somebody else's. Afterwards, we three laid in bed and talked of life.

Thursday night was spent with the family. A Starbucks patio talk with Cousin Hannah led to a late night trip around country roads singing old songs and catching a glimpse of fireflies. I felt the release of all the negativity that sets in. I felt free. I felt young. I felt full. My heart was full of love in that moment. Love for who I've become, the life I've started in Knoxville.

Finally, I didn't miss what WAS.
Instead, I longed for what IS.

Friday night was spent in celebration for Lacey Jean's birthday. Close friends, good food, and hilarious games made me appreciate my new surroundings. I didn't long for dinner nights on Marion Ave...I was content with game nights on Kingston Pike. Staying up late, listening to music with new friend Melvin, and talking boys with Cousin Hannah, took me back to days with J. Phil and our quilt discussions. It didn't replace the past by any means...but I loved making new memories to warm my heart in the here and now.

The rest of the weekend was spent in time with these special people, eating pancakes with real butter and maple syrup, racing down Kingston Pike with Alex while riding with the windows down by Lacey Jean, soaking up the sun on a gorgeous afternoon, eating my first Tomato Head pizza courtesy of Chadwick.

I have a pretty splendid deal up here in Knoxville. It just took a while to settle in and fully appreciate it.

Funny for Friday: I miss my funny faces...

I feel alot like myself lately...

but I haven't made any of these faces recently.

Maybe I should...

and maybe today I will.

Thursday, You're lookin' good!

A couple of reasons why I feel good about today:

I just remembered I'm going to see JACK JOHNSON in Hotlanta in August...with the ladies (and their dependent men-just kidding!). I'm trying to recruit my own date just to keep up.

I got to lay out and soak up some much needed vitamin D on this pale, pasty body with my friend Lacey Jean. Nothing like a little sun on your back while laughing with a friend.

I am wearing my white linen shirt and long, white comfy sweater with faded blue jeans and flipflops. It looks great with these new beach curls I've been rockin' for the past couple of weeks.

I had a late Wednesday night downtown on Market Square with good friends. I love sitting outside in the cool spring air surrounded by music, friends, laughter, and food. Downtown Knox is simply fabulous.

I found my big, round, cream shell earrings that have been missing...since Christmas.

My roomie is on vacation which means...I'm having many close friends over tomorrow night, and a slumber party with cousin Hannah afterwards. This means Chad may break out his British accent, laughter will be shared, and people will spill over into my kitchen to chat. I like all of these aspects. And I love a good party!

I'm having a delicious dinner tonight at Gran's with some of my favorite cousins! And a movie afterwards (Gran said there may even be popcorn, this is huge!).

This is my first official summer break week...I worked for the majority of last week in Memphis, so it didn't count. But this week I'm officially free (for a little while, anyways). That's something to get excited about.

I'm a major weeper!

I'm a pre-mourner.

(Imagine that being said in the British voice of "I'm a major weeper!" [The Holiday or Chadwick])

Give me a heavy piano-laden melody, some quiet time, and a coffee and I can weep over most anything. It hits when I least expect it. It hits when I've had a busy day and I'm driving down a lonely street. It hits when I'm taking kids to birthday parties. It hits when I lay down at night and am left alone with my thoughts too long.

Then yesterday, during one of these occurrences, it hit me...

I'm officially a pre-mourner.

What's a pre-mourner you may ask. Well, I've deemed it's me. It's me, when I mourn for things that I haven't even lost yet. It's me when I mourn for situations that haven't occurred.

People. Possibilities. Potential.

Yesterday it hit me when I was driving one of the little boys I babysit for back home from a birthday party. We had been birthday partying all day...and at the end of the day, as we drove home in the twilight it struck. Hampton broke the silence in the car with an 'I love you, Ms. Stephanie.'

And I mourned.

Pre-mourned to be exact. I mourned for the thought that sometimes I feel like I'll never have kids. I'll never have parenting moments of my own, with a family of my own. I'll never throw a birthday party for my own child. I'll never have that frazzled look of excitement, running around with a camera capturing every laugh or tear while my husband cuts cake. I'll never watch my child play while my husband looks on with me and kisses my forehead. I'll never know what my child would look like.

My eyes swell with unleashed tears,

and my throat burns a little bit.

I often wonder if other drivers can tell how heavy my heart feels.

I swallow hard while attempting to take a deep breath.

And then it passes.

As quick as it came.

And I'm alright again.

I don't often think of my future in this negative light, but sometimes it creeps in. Kinda like I sometimes mourn for things in the past, I mourn for things that have yet to happen. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of what it would feel like to be 50 and be by myself. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of how it will be if I do meet the ONE, and would I even know how to be in a life-long committed relationship. Both of these can be frightening ideas.

But for all the times I cry over the thought of being alone, I laugh twice as much with the joy that I know as my life. I don't fret for tomorrow. I don't dwell on what I don't have. I just live day by day. I enjoy the freedom I have in this world, being a single woman. I mourn when I feel sad, but I redeem the days when I'm alive inside and feel all the goodness that God has given me.

The last time I was in Memphis, I ran into Sister Corrine Elkins (someone I regard with the highest respect) and she asked if I had anything 'fancy' going on in Knoxville. I knew what she meant, and I replied 'no, I'm focusing on school right now. But I always keep my eyes open.'

I know one day I could wake up and meet the man of my dreams.

But I also know that if I didn't, I think I'd be ok.

But I'll keep my eyes open in the meantime.

(Official Disclaimer: This post is not to be interpreted as depressed or that I have the attitude that 'boo-hoo, I'll NEVER get married (blah, blah blah).' If you know me at all, you know I'm content with my life 95% of the time. But there are times when I do get sad or that I do wonder what will happen later in my life and I think of all the possibilities on both sides of the fence (married & unmarried). That's life.)

Funny for Friday: Carl to the Jenkins

Back in the day when late night trips to Wal-mart were frequent and crazy friends were plenty. I miss those days.

Summer Reading List

I finished my summer reading list! I love to read, and hope you do too. I hope this helps you out with suggestions for your beach reads, and hope that some of you plan to read along with me. I'm usually a fast reader (and by that I mean that once I get absorbed in a novel, I spend all my free time reading until it's finished), so I paced it out that I would read a novel every 2 weeks. Outside factors may affect this, but I am going to try and stay on schedule!

On top of the books I'm planning on reading, I decided to read a book from the Bible every 2 weeks as well. I picked ones that I've recently been drawn to or want to know more about. I've never been good at just reading the Bible straight through, so I hope that individual studies of different books helps that.

I tried to make my list a fair compliation of non-fiction/fiction and spiritual matters vs. real life issues. All books may not fancy your interests, but hopefully you can find at least one that you'd like to read. If you click on the titles, they will take you to the homepage where you can find an excerpt from the book (usually the first chapter).

Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for (well, at least Bridget has...):

Summer Reading List 2010

May 10-23

Seeking Spiritual Beauty by Sheila K. Butt

I first read this in the fall of 2007...and I loved it. It's a simple look at being the kind of woman God desires us to be. Kind, hospitable, sincere...the real things that make us beautiful. It's also an easy read of about 100 pages. This is the only book I don't have an excerpt for, but if you click on the title it will tell you where to find it.

Bible Reading: Esther

We (the CSC girls) recently watched a movie about Esther entitled 'One Night with the King.' It renewed my interest in this classic Bible story, and I thought it would be fitting to read along with the nature of the book above.

May 24-June 6

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

I have one of her books, but Cousin Hannah recommended I start off with this one. I've heard numerous positive remarks concerning this story and I think it's a good follow-up to Sheila Butt's book.

Bible Reading: Ecclesiastes

June 7-20

Writing Jane Austen by Elizabeth Aston

For all you Jane Austen fans, here's a modern twist on all things Austen. It's a fictious story about an author who's asked to finish an authentic Jane Austen manuscript.

Bible Reading: Zechariah

June 21-July 4

Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella

Sophie Kinsella is probably my favorite author, she's widely known for writing the Shopaholic series. I have wanted to read this novel for the past year, but wanted to wait until I could absorb it fully. She's quite a witty writer, and I love her Brit Chick Lit.

Bible Reading: 1,2,&3 John

July 5-18

Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser

After watching 'Food, Inc.' my interest in our food production and industry has increased. I wanted to use this summer to expand my knowledge about how my food gets to the plate in front of me. This book has been around since 2001 and has a corresponding documentary of the same name.

Bible Reading: Philippians

July 19-August 1

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan

A good read to follow up 'Fast Food Nation.' Definitely read the excerpt by clicking the title above.

Bible Reading: Matthew

August 2-15

The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
I saved the most intense reading for last. I have wanted to read this for a number of years, and I finally bought it the last time I was at Borders. It's a series of letters written from the perspective of a senior demon to a younger demon, informing the younger demon on how to ensure the demise of a human man. I've heard it's a really interesting take on Satan's tactics to attack us. Hopefully my brain can comprehend the intelligent writings of C.S. Lewis.

Bible Reading: Proverbs

I thought that would be a fitting book to close out our summer. Wisdom and advice from the wisest man who ever lived.

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I hope some of these pique your interest...and look forward to hearing your thoughts and takes on these reads throughout the summer. Happy reading!

Nothing Else Compares

Home...home...where I wanted to go.
-coldplay 'clocks'

I am in love with Chris Martin. And by in love with, I mean, I think he's totally rad. And amazing. And his voice is like butta. And he is in my list of three people to meet for dinner (assuming we could make it happen).

I'm listening to coldplay and watching the rain outside the window of my parent's house.

Ahhh....Memphis.

I drove home on Friday after my last 8 a.m. exam. Nothing like staying up all night studying, driving 5.5. hours on a gorgeous sunny day and pulling into my hometown.

It's not Memphis that gives me the joy...it's the people here.

Family, friends, the old ladies at church :)

I'm home to babysit but I've been very fortunate to see old friends in between.

Amelia Bedelia just happened to be in town and I enjoyed a rare late night chat with her on Friday (it made me feel like I was 20 again). Just being in her presence makes me feel blessed sometimes.

Saturday I enjoyed a picnic and day at the park with the Naifeh kids. Jerry's SnoCones, dinner at Huey's, and sitting on the back porch at dusk with Olivia made for a perfect Saturday.

Sunday I was surprised to see my old friends Cara and Mo at FH in the morning. It was like old friends galore! I love all the hugs I get when I come home to visit, and smiles and support. It's such a soul refresher. Sunday night lead to a crammed, exciting, laughter-moodiness filled ride around town with the Summitt's, the Berches, Paul Davenport, and Frosty the Snowman on repeat in the van. Memories were made...and I missed the ease of old friends.

Today I visited with Ms. Debbie and the Open Arms staff (the preschool where I worked for 5 years). I even went with my dad to Bath & Body Works (which is really cute if you know my dad...that's not his scene). Tonight is dinner with the lovely ladies-Rachel and J! I love dinner nights with those ladies--

We sit and laugh. And laugh and sit. It's nice to catch up over dinner at Chili's.

Tomorrow leads to trips to see Jules and her new baby boy, Karson with a K. I am excited to hold him for the first time! :) I love being Auntie Stephie. You get to spoil and love children without all the hard work! Maybe a spontaneous roadtrip (still in the works) and I'll finish out the week with some lunch dates with various people, including one of my favorites, J. Phil!



I haven't seen her since November! She is a busy bee, and somehow the long distance thing still works out for us. She's precious!

One of the biggest joys about being home this week is seeing J. Fred! I have missed her smile and talkative nature ever since she left Memphis in August of 2008. Moving to new places makes you appreciate your old friends and helps you realize how strong the bonds are that you develop over years of hanging out. I miss having someone to go to coffee with that knows me in and out. I'm glad my trip to Memphis coincided with her return so I can welcome her with open arms!

Sometimes I see Memphis in such a negative light when asked about living here before my move to Knox. But when I think of the people and the love and the relationships I have formed with those I've met here, I know it's where I needed to be for 26 years. And it is weeks like this one that remind me of how blessed I am because of friends like these.

Thank you to the Lord above for these beautiful lights that I've met along my journeys. I couldn't do it without them.

Finals Week!

Say a small prayer for me as I embark on finals starting tomorrow. I have all 4 in a period of 3 days, but it will be good to have them over and done with!

I will be returning to Memphis for 10 days to babysit as soon as I'm done with testing on Friday. I look forward to seeing faces of friends of old, like J. Fred -who will be flying in from South Africa on the 12th. She has been out of the country for almost 2 years and will be spending her summer in Memphis...exciting! Pray for safe travels for her and for her hardships as she will be apart from her husband during this time, which I know will be hard on both of them.

I won't be active on the blog world much this week but look forward to relishing in it post-finals!

P.S. I will post my summer reading list next week! I look forward to reading good books and hopefully having discussion on here for those who might be reading along with me.

P.P.S. If you haven't visited my other blog, 100 Days of Kindness...then you should. And you should do it now!

Monday Meditations: Food, Inc.

This morning I watched Food, Inc.

Consider my eating habits changed.

If you haven't watched it, I recommend that you do so...and fast. Yes, it's a documentary about the food industry in America. Yes, it will probably make you want to change your Fbook status to "is now a vegetarian." Yes, there are some grodie images and typical stories about the meat packaging in our country. However, there are so many more issues that are brought up.

Did you know it's illegal for you to speak out against beef producers and other food industries in certain states? You could get sued because you simply state that you don't buy their products because of the way they are produced.

Did you know that if you're a farmer you can get sued by companies for not using their Genetically Modified seeds just because you don't want to? Farmers are being followed by gangsters of a soy-based company and being bullied to comply with their demands...and the government is aware.

Did you know that a mother, who lost her young son to an E. Coli infection, has been fighting for Kevin's Law to pass for over 6 years...which guarantees that companies who repeatedly fail inspection will be shut down? Our senators and congressmen keep shutting it out due to the hold that the food industry has over them.

It opens your eyes to a whole new perspective of our food's journey to get to our dinner plate.

If you visit the website above you can learn more about the film, and books and sites to help further inform you of these issues.

I had a hard time downing a salad after watching that. I talked to our campus minister Todd after he watched it and he said that he wasn't sure what to eat anymore. I'm pretty sure I won't be making any trips to McDonald's anytime soon.

May 2: Happy Blogiversary!

Today is one year since my first post on this blog. Reading through some my first posts leads me to think I've come a long way. I remember where I was in life on May 2, 2009...and I love seeing where I am now. I'm celebrating a lot of little year anniversaries this week.

One of my intentions with blogging was to provide an outlet for my thoughts and photos and friends so I could delete fbook. I did so, for almost 8 months. After a brief return, as of today, I'm fbook free again. I love being able to express my ideas and thoughts and happenings via a blog instead of fbook...where sometimes it seems like you have to have the coolest pictures or status or most friends. I'm going to stay over here in my worry and stress-free blog zone.

Another reason I started blogging was because I was inspired by J. Crowe's blog. And if you're reading this J. Crowe, I need you to post! I miss seeing it in my blogger dashboard feed.

I wanted to have this blog as a way to keep me committed to my dreams. A way for me to keep up with my thoughts, an online journal...something that I could easily filter back through and see where my life is headed and what I want to do with it. I think it's helped. I'm a faster typer than I am a writer, and sometimes I get discouraged from writing my thoughts on paper, so it's been a nice release to have access to a medium where I can freely post my feelings and get your feedback.

I thank all of you who read this. I thank all of you for your love and support. I know it's just a blog, but I love the uplifting encouragement you provide via comments when I post on bad days or moods.

Here's to another year of blogging and seeing how far we've come!

p.s. Last night I watched 'The Holiday' for the first real time (I've seen it before but didn't get it and wasn't in the mood for it). Thanks to Lacey for wanting to watch it and for controlling the crazy dogs that were interferring :). Watching it this time made me realize that I've gone from best friend to leading lady and that somewhere along this path, I found my gumption (if you've seen it you know what I'm talking about). And it feels good!