Unexpected moments.
These are some of my favorite things in life.
Tonight I had an email conversation with someone for over 2 hours.
An unexpected moment.
As I sat on my couch, snuggled up watching 'New Girl' I saw my smartphone notification light blinking at me and I figured it would be an email from Pinterest yet again, alerting me to just how popular I am via virtual pinboards.
Instead it was from an old, familiar name.
One that I don't see very often.
One that was in my life for over 6 years at one point.
One that has no contact with me via any source except email anymore.
One that I've only said two sentences to in the past year.
One that always pops up when I least expect it.
A simple 'hey.'
I gave a 'hey' back and took the bait.
I sent one sentence replies back and forth for the next two hours, listening to songs via links, reminiscing, catching up on the minor details.
I haven't allowed myself real contact with this person in over a year.
He's the reason I got a new cell number in 2011.
I refrain from ever initiating contact anymore and usually blow off the sparse emails I get.
But tonight was different.
I engaged.
I asked.
I allowed myself to see how far I've come.
The truth is, this person was important to me once upon a time, and sometimes its hard to let that go. To be honest with myself, I think about him on an almost daily basis. Not intentionally. It just runs through my head at some point. During a song, reading a book, driving. A flash as brief as a blink, and I remember, and I wish the memory away as quick as it came. I'm not hurting anymore, I'm not angry, I just simply don't want to waste more of my time on someone who was never good to me. He doesn't even deserve this blog post, but I promise I have a point. In fact, I'll share a real New Year's Resolution with you (one that I may be breaking right now, but we'll let tonight slide)...Don't talk, mention, or verbalize anything about him anymore to anyone. I've done really good. I've caught myself a couple of times, about to say his nickname (I gave up referring to him with his real name a long time ago...baby steps) in reference to a music group or a place and I stop. I remember, I don't want him in any part of my life anymore. I pray that he'll have a good life and I even like his current flame and wish that he will be better to her than he was to me.
So why am I mentioning him tonight? Why did I engage in his email conversation?
Because sometimes as much as we wish to keep the past in the past, it still pops up by surprise. Even though we wish that our hearts would stop caring about people that aren't worth it, memories have a way of creeping in and tugging at heart strings. I miss his friendship every now and then. I miss trading musical findings. I miss late night conversations with someone who made me laugh. Because every now and then I long for the days again where someone checked on me and wanted to make sure I was okay every day. He knew things about me that no one else has ever known and that's a deep connection to let go, even after a couple of years.
Sometimes it feels like who I was back then is so far removed from who I am today. Those feelings are so distant that I'll never feel that way again simply because I don't know if I would know how anymore. It's been so long since I was interested in someone romantically and vice versa. The older I get, the less crush opportunities I find. The less I crush on someone, the further I feel from finding love. It's just the way it goes.
But this past Sunday, they were there.
Those feelings, that hope, that longing.
Sunday, I went to lunch with a guy I barely know.
Just the two of us.
Do you know how long it's been since that's happened?
(Hint: such a long time that it's too embarrassing to give you a number)
It wasn't romantic by any means. It wasn't meant to be, either. It was a boy I know at church. We've only had a couple of short conversations and most Sundays it's usually a wave and a hello and then a couple of weeks before I see him again.
This past Sunday, Mauney was sick and I went to church by my lonesome. When he came in, I waved him over to sit by me and afterwards I asked if he wanted to get some lunch. He said yes. I offered to give him a ride to my favorite Mexican place and when we got to my car, he said 'Dave Matthews!' in reference to my firedancer sticker on my back window. We started talking about music and the conversation just flowed from there.
I felt it coming back. Those feelings. The flirty ones. The sweet ones. The 'I-deserve-a-good-boy' feelings. He held the door. He made me smile. He was mature. We talked church and God and Rob Bell and airplanes. We ate chips and learned about each other. I didn't even eat half my lunch because I was too busy talking. It wasn't a date, but it was so nice to have a boy want to know about my life. Unfortunately, most of the guys I'm around now are too young, married, or in the friend zone. He was none of these. And it felt refreshing. I felt a little nervous, but I was flirtatious and engaging and open. And it was nice to be with someone who brought that out. It felt good just to be open to the possibility of this nice man.
I realized there are still good guys out there. I realized that 2012 may be the year I put myself back out there and find someone to love...although, right now I'm very grateful for my single state as I search for jobs, knowing I have no one else to worry about when thinking about new opportunities or places to move.
So tonight, when that email came, I accepted it. It didn't bring up any old feelings. It didn't make me long for those days again because I've realized that I can find those feelings (albeit better ones) again. I always say that those 6 years dealing with the wrong person taught me what I want in the right person. Even tonight, when he responded that he missed my friendship often, I didn't feel the need to expound on that notion. Our conversations used to take a turn for the worst, down memory lane, just for the sake of feeling needed by someone. But not this time. I didn't need that false reassurance that I was desirable. I didn't need to hear it from someone who didn't mean anything to me anymore.
Because a simple Sunday lunch already showed me that I am.
I feel content with the men that 2012 has to offer.
I feel optimistic about what's out there.
I feel open to love and romance and dating.
And that realization alone makes my heart flutter a little.
p.s. Maybe you noticed the new blog title? 2012 is going to be the year I'm more honest with you and myself. I've decided not to filter my thoughts more than I have to, and that means you are going to be getting some honest blogging, even if it ain't pretty. These posts are my charming confessions.
